Understand what it is and write it down. It could be not getting a job, getting a bad score on a test or not getting that double platinum and high score that you were hoping for. The first negative way is to drown out your disappointment with random activities. Or do you just end up wasting energy and causing yourself anxiety when you can’t know the outcome yet anyway? Watch a movie, take a warm bath, or order take out. You are able to constructively channel into your inner desires to live the life you want. What should you do then? Perhaps you studied without understanding the subject. Accepting unwanted outcomes is not always easy. If person A does not want to be with you for whatever reasons, he/she is not the person who can meet your desire for a loving relationship. “If you want to succeed and you worry you might fail, the gap between those realities creates motivation to take action,” says Art Markman, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Bring Your Brain to Work: Using Cognitive Science to Get a Job, Do it Well, and Advance Your Career. Kinias suggests adopting Maya Angelou’s words from I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings: “Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between.” In Kinias’ experience, successful leaders have the capacity to anticipate and plan for setbacks, but this tactic works best “when balanced with positivity and an ability to enjoy and experience the present moment, through optimism, mindfulness, and social support.” Being both planful and hopeful can improve wellbeing and make us more resilient if and when the worst-case scenario comes true. Does this mean you should look for a new... 2. If however, you find you are unsettled, or resenting your child or the situation you are in, it may be time to look at things and make some changes. Let them drive you forward. As you start living past your disappointments, focus on living in alignment with your desires, instead of being fixated on your goals. So when you’re worried about how devastated you might feel, remind yourself that that’s the cost of caring. When you are disappointed, your source of disappointment is rooted in your attachment to a certain outcome. When you start doing that, you will find that you are able to live consciously and freely instead of subjecting yourself to external outcomes. Feeling your misery in advance of the news also isn’t helpful because we aren’t very good at predicting future emotions, as extensive research from Dan Gilbert, Tim Wilson, George Loewenstein, and Daniel Kahneman has shown. What is your underlying desire to go to point B? They feel like they have taken a step back from what they want to be. So you feel disappointed. Take a break. And then there’s point A-1, A-2, A-3, etc. It is to be in a loving, authentic relationship with someone. One action you might take, for example, is gathering the resources you’ll need to get through the disappointment. I know I’m not alone. With this kind of disappointment — and even more serious ones — I suggest that there are five steps to follow: 1. And the goal in life isn’t to avoid all negative feelings. One of my main coping mechanisms during these times of uncertainty is thinking through the potential disappointment. Manage emotion 2. They are preventing you from constructively acting on your situation and living your life the way you should. You may feel sorry for yourself and sulk. If playing games makes you happier, go ahead and play them (but not in an excessive way). If you are new to this series, read part 1 first. This last tip is the one that I’ve been putting to good use over the past few days. It can spur you to become better prepared — mitigating your anxiety in the long run. You might imagine what you’d wear to the first day of your new job, or think through who you’d call to share in the good news. This inner desire may be to get a job that is highly challenging, in a dynamic working environment. Do something nice for yourself. Let’s look first at the causes for their disappointment—and in so doing we will discover something about our own personal struggles. “There will be a sting if you don’t get it, and the pain is often proportional to what you invested,” says Markman. i personally deal with disappointment by understanding why the second party made the choices that let me down. Book proposals. He suggests watching a silly movie that makes you laugh, practicing mindfulness by taking deep, focused breaths, or going for a run — anything he says, that will “decrease the energy.”. Another way to look at it is to be without courage (dis-couraged). But you should balance any agonizing with some sense of hope, as long as you aren’t overconfident that things will go your way. Distract Yourself. They are on their own journey, and although disappointment can feel personal, it’s often not. You see a career at Company A as your dream career. But we always focus on the few things that go wrong, rather than the things that go well. It can be writing in your personal journal, walking in the park, watching a happy movie, playing games, or talking to positive friends. There is no reason to self-blame when things go wrong. Copyright © Personal Excellence  |  Terms of Use  |  Privacy  |  Contact, a loving, authentic relationship with someone, How To Deal With Moments of Negative Self-Worth, My Experience with Disappointment and How I Overcame It, 10 Free Meditation Videos to Relax Your Mind, How To Stop Worrying About Things You Can’t Control, This Powerful Sculpture Shows the Inner Child In Us. As the opening quote says, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” With this lesson, you walk away from this experience a better person. Say you are at point A and you want to move to point B. Because the ability to learn, move on, and try again using a different approach is the key to success. One of the hardest things to do in a world where everything is immediate—we are all under external pressure, and time is a scarce resource—is to just let yourself experience a feeling.Even at the most difficulties times, such as grieving, on average we only allow ourselves 1 to 2 weeks off or work, and then we mostly expect to get back into normality again.Human beings are not very good at allowing the experiencing of emotions in full w… Given the convoluted nature of desire, there are no experiences that … In your mind, you continue to hang on to the perception that you should have gotten an ‘A’. Soak them in with your senses. Whenever you experience disappointment, you are pulled down to a lower state of consciousness, where your thoughts are predominantly rooted in fear, sadness, grief, or apathy. To be discouraged means to be downcast. But if you work hard on the steps above, they will pull you out of the void you are in. it may not always be the right, or best choice, but understanding the situation always helps. Do whatever makes you feel better. all of the mistakes I’ve made along the way, buffer resiliency in advance of disappointment. Take some time out to practice mindfulness. Don’t take it personally 3. Even though the road to work at Company A is closed (for now). I. Finally, do the best you can. If you don’t get the outcome you want, all of the effort you put in this time is setting yourself up for your next time at bat. Here are the seven suggested steps for dealing with disappointment that will help you to turn your life around. Actively Accept Your Feelings of Disappointment. When the outcome does not happen the way you envisioned, you become disappointed. Haggai now speaks to the willing but discouraged workers. Is it better to think it through ahead of time? You can’t prepay your pain. He/she is not the person who can give you what you desire. Any of these practices can help make you more resilient in the face of disappointment. In times when I feel really down, I prefer to spend time by myself. Habits you haven’t stuck to? Researchers call this “affective forecasting,” and the reality is that negative events usually prove to be less intense emotionally and the bad feelings are more transient that we expect. Wanting something really badly means that you care, and that’s a good thing. You had the belief that these actions would result in top results. For this question in particular you need to show that yo can deal with disappointment and move on positively. Accepting your feelings is the first step in feeling a bit better. A common example when people get attached to an external projection is in relationships. If calming your mind doesn’t seem to be work, then immediately distract yourself from your disappointment. “Thinking positive thoughts is fine. Most people are inherently good. Copyright © 2020 Harvard Business School Publishing. Being trapped in such a state prevents you from thinking logically. Sometimes focusing on the worst-case scenario helps. … "One way to cope with disappointment is by writing down our feelings," says Diana Raab, PhD, creativity expert and author of Healing with Words and Writing for Bliss. " Distract yourself by listening to music, by watching a movie, by talking with someone, or through reading a book. Identify them. How can an outcome be a setback if it gave you something to learn? Harvard Business Publishing is an affiliate of Harvard Business School. If we look at the relationship example in Step #2, you are disappointed because you want to be with person A. Talking with my friends, on the other hand, helps me learn other perspectives which I may not be aware of. But this is an illusion. If you are disappointed about something, that means you harbor a certain perception on what it should be. 1. Disappointment isn’t fun, but it’s a part of life. Building on the studying example above, say you did a lot of prep work for your exams. Passive Responses to Disappointment If you respond passively to disappointment you are likely to give up what you were trying to achieve or become overly self critical about why you didn’t achieve it. Anger, resentment, and sadness are common emotions to experience in the wake of disappointment. One of the first things that happen when disappointment comes is discouragement. If you did that, you’d rarely put yourself out there and try to reach your goals. To start mediating, simply become aware of the sights and sounds around you. Exercise. where you can fulfill your desire just as well, if not better. Protect yourself Avoid the highly educated relative who might tell you “all things happen for a reason” or that you somehow attracted this disappointment with the wrong thoughts. For the things that have gone wrong, do what you can to learn from the experience. Instead of tying all your expectations to this one person, connect with the underlying desire to be in an authentic relationship. You become a stronger individual. Read my Privacy Policy. Numb yourself with other activities. There is no disappointment in the present moment. If others have disappointed you, you may give up on them. Sign up for my newsletter to get my personal development tips and updates sent directly to your inbox: Unsubscribe whenever you want. Talking to a counselor or therapist, like the licensed professionals at BetterHelp, is a good way to learn how to overcome bouts of serious disappointment. You got dumped. So, obviously, to effectively deal with disappointment, one of the … “If you consistently go after things, you set yourself up for success down the line,” Markman says. The first thing you need to do is ask if worrying really helps. I can recall many times in my life where I’ve been waiting for big news and was worried that things wouldn’t go my way. When you’re absolutely sure you need a … It also prevents you from moving on. By attaching yourself to this thought, this illusion, it’s causing you anguish. I have the skills and experience to be up for consideration. All rights reserved. Here’s their advice. You won’t guard yourself against pain by trying to feel it ahead of time. Instead, you may need to increase your input and/or change your approach to get the results you want. Here are five ways to overcome chronic disappointment in relationships: 1. Step 1: Recognition and awareness of the feelings of disappointment 1. In part 1 on 3 Reasons Why Disappointment Is Good, I shared that one of the reasons why disappointment is good is because it represents an opportunity for growth. Eating you haven’t done perfectly? Person A is just one of the many people in this world you can fall in love with. You can be hopeful but you don’t want to be overconfident. And if you have trouble quelling unhelpful, negative emotions, try distracting yourself with something fun or meditative. Someone once said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” The quote recognizes that when we experience disappointment, our hopes and expectations are out of line with reality. Perhaps you did not study the right way. The best way to prevent the same situation—and resulting disappointment—is to make a plan of action. Definitely don’t wallow in misery. Disappointment can trigger lots of different emotions, including stress, so it’s important to deal with these secondary feelings, too. I wrote about this in Living in Alignment with Your Purpose in the context of living your life purpose. It is normally preceded by denial. Practice acceptance. In the last part, I will share my story on how I overcame a period of disappointment in my life. As long as you are doing that, there is no reason why you should feel bad, because you have done all that you can. The best way to deal with feelings of disappointment is to acknowledge the pain and discomfort that you're feeling and give yourself time to heal and fully process your emotions. Ask yourself this question: What is your underlying desire driving your goal/expectation? For example, you like person A. Trying to deny what you’re feeling and telling yourself to get over it can make you feel even worse. You feel that you have lost what could have been a great relationship. That’s why Markman says some of the best tactics to steel yourself while you wait involve distracting yourself. Pick up the pieces. We all have different expectations. As long as you are trapped in it, you can’t get to where you want to go. They were already planning how to celebrate,” Kinias says, before the electoral college votes were counted. You reach a new state of awareness, consciousness, and growth which you have never had before. But instead of achieving that outcome, you fell short of your expectation. There were college and grad school applications. This alone time lets me sort out the thoughts in my mind, think without interference, and gain clarity on what to do in my situation. Much of this advice might fall into the category of “easier said than done,” especially when you’re staring at your ceiling in the middle of the night. So how do you prepare yourself for what might be a large, perhaps even life-changing, disappointment? Your belief that he/she is the one is an illusion you need to release yourself of. View the setback as an opportunity to grow and change. The Ritual – How to Deal With Disappointment Effectively Disappointment can be dealt with via having rituals to follow. This perception is not the truth — it is simply your lens with which you see the world. Many of us tend to beat ourselves up when things go wrong. “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” — Friedrich Nietzsche. Dealing with disappointment requires you to let go of your mental illusions and expectations. Of course, this is rubbish. Take a moment to sink in and let yourself feel the disappointment so that you can move on. For me, I find that a combination of activities including alone time, talking with my good friends, and watching my favorite shows uplift me considerably. Step 2: Attach yourself to your desire, not your goal. But you didn’t. This makes negative experiences worse than they really are because we play them over and over in our heads — when they are simply natural occurrences in the universe. In this part, I share how to deal with disappointments in a constructive manner. Is it better to think it through ahead of time? When you share a disappointment you have experienced, make sure that you: Don’t just tell them you handled it well, show them how you did it. How do you prepare yourself for what might be a large, perhaps even life-changing, disappointment? Focus on your underlying desire, not your external projection, which is only one way of fulfilling your desire. And there are likely more disappointments on the way. There is no way you can apply until 2 years later. While you may feel disappointed, stop and think — What is your underlying intent? That’s why it’s hard for people to “just deal with it.” Acceptance doesn’t come first either. “Sometimes the worry helps because it forces you to think about contingencies and how to be ready,” says Markman. Worry can also compel you to gather resources – such as social support – to help you stay resilient if the worst-case scenario comes to fruition. Many people remain disappointed because they are hung up over what reality should be. If you’re worried about losing your job because of the economic downturn, for example, you might get your finances in order or reach out to former colleagues who might know of job leads. Because when you do that, you fall into the trap of associating your existence with them. We all feel this way from time to time. What you originally thought was sufficient to achieve your goal isn’t. Some of these disappointments will not make much of a difference, but there are also disappointments that can change the course of our lives. As someone who is irrationally superstitious, I’ve often resisted the idea of imagining a positive outcome, thinking it will somehow curse the process. Zoe Kinias, an associate professor at INSEAD who studies resilience, says that you can bolster yourself by playing out the possible negative outcome. You want to be with him/her, but person A does not reciprocate your feelings. However, you are passed over for another candidate whom they deem a better fit for the role. When you are disappointed, ask yourself: “What am I getting hung up over? How To Deal With Disappointment: The Complete Guide Step 1: Put yourself in a better mental state. There are also several research-backed ways that you can prepare yourself for a negative outcome. In love with take, for example, is gathering the resources you ’ re absolutely sure you to... Sights and sounds around you one action you might take, for example, gathering! Feel agonizing, my mind vacillating between imagining the best way how to deal with disappointment in yourself look it! Should be able to constructively channel into your inner desires to live the life you want Purpose! You love the job scope, the benefits are great, and these are.. Job that is just one of the many destinations you can to learn are hung over! And enjoy the breeze outside s point A-1, A-2, A-3,.! 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